Why the Dreamer Quit Dreaming And Why He'll Never Stop Dreaming Again
It's been awhile. A long time actually.
My heart is bursting to share with all of you, my family, friends, and loved ones, a heart's expression of why in fact it's been so long.
The lack of blog postings...
The unscheduled events...
The canceled projects...
The unprinted t-shirts...
To be exact...I think it's time I shared why the dreamer quit dreaming and, more importantly, why he'll never stop dreaming again.
This past year has been one of the most exciting, yet also one of the most difficult.
From adjusting to a brand new job, to major struggles with anxiety and fear....
From making decisions that weren't the best, to making excuse after excuse....
A complete mess.
Reaching "breaking point" is something I thought would never happen to me.
For some reason, I thought reaching my breaking point looked like moments during my college days.
You know...failing an exam, not understanding an equation the night before the test, experiencing hurt...my breaking point right?
But I was wrong. Those were all minor compared to this.
My true breaking point occurred way back in January 2017 when I had a full, blown panic attack.
Never experiencing this ever before, I assumed the worse.
I'm having a heart attack.
I'm losing it.
The truth of the matter was that this was all the pain, confusion, regret, shame, stress, worry, and fear I continually compiled and never acknowledged; completing weighing itself on me to the point where all the pressure just made me pop. Literally.
I believe the main reason this occurred the way it did was because all the moments prior to this moment were filled with motivating myself to appear as "ok" and as "put together" as possible without being fully open and honest about the turmoil that was really occurring inside me. It's funny that although I found myself surround by a loving family, a spirit-filled church, and a job that valued self-care, I never allowed myself that space. I never allowed myself that space of not being ok. I never allowed myself that space of embracing where I was and allow others to help me, love me, and cheer me on.
Inside me was the lie that since I was hurting and broken, God would use me.....just not right now.
Inside me was the lie that since I couldn't cover up the wounds anymore....who was I of all people to ever encourage anyone?
So I just quit.
The dreamer quit dreaming.
What I didn't know was that it was in this moment that Jesus was about to change everything.
Over the past half year, I prayed and asked God his heart in all of this. I asked him to reveal himself to me in my everyday and in his Word. I asked him to show me how to take care of my heart all over again. I asked him to take me back to the basics of being a son.
Through a series of questions, more mistakes, and curious intentions, the unraveling process began.
The unraveling of every chain I locked on my own hands.
The unraveling of every lie I believed about myself.
The unraveling of every hurt or regret of the past.
Majority if not all of these 'unraveling moments' occurred when I found myself amongst community. A community of prayer warriors, lovers, worshippers, and best friends. Godly counsel that not only provides a space to be heard, but an atmosphere to be honest, open, and accepted no matter what. Family who believed God's best for me even when I felt I didn't deserve it. The truest friends who laid hands on me and spoke truth in love.
The flame of God's reckless love began to completely overwhelming me; burning every lie to ash; a process.
I share this truth with you today, not for attention, but to encourage you that if my story still matters, so does yours.
I share this truth with you today, not to give kudos to the enemy, but to remind you that healing and freedom is real and it’s in our veins.
I share this truth with you today, not to encourage you to fight the battle by your own merit and strength, but to motivate you to talk to someone you trust about where you are, how you feel, and what you need.
It just might change your life.
It just might lead to something liberating.
This is the story of the dreamer who quit dreaming.
I dream now because I have courage.
I dream now because victory is in my hands.
I dream now because Jesus is real and he met me at my worst.
I dream now because He offered me something better.
I dream now because our greatest dream can be discovered in our greatest healing.
I dream now because I am deeply, fully loved by Him.
No more excuses.
Lean and depend on who He says you are.
Speak up and speak out.
This is my story.